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Guiding Conversations with Heart: Supporting Cancer Patients with Empathy and Understanding
: Empathetic Encounters: How To Speak To A Cancer Patient
Imagine fifty different people advising you to drink coconut water.
Or being told about some Y person expiring from the same disease you are trying so hard to survive.
Throughout my treatment to cure Leukemia and 2 years of dealing with the side effects of chemotherapy and transplant, relatives, friends of my mom, and my friends on social media told me several things about cancer.
Various advice from people who think they know no less than a certified dietitian.
Let me shed some light upon the fact that you might appear ignorant and arrogant unintentionally if you keep up with this habit.
You are causing distress to a cancer patient who is already emotionally sensitive for obvious and understandable reasons. Dealing with a lot physically takes a toll on mental health.
The last thing we want is someone talking about death.
I know one cannot understand what it is like being a cancer patient it is impossible.
I also acknowledge that you might try hard to have a ‘normal’ conversation. But the reality is not so normal.
How does one communicate with a cancer patient without being impolite?
In this light of practicing mindfulness are some things you should never say to a person dealing with cancer and what to do instead.
1. Stop the preaching
Out of their own goodwill and eagerness to be of help or to quench the guilt they somehow feel when they come across me and my bald head, people have advised me on everything from vegan diets to miracle saints of the Himalayas who could treat cancer with some brewed tea.
Some are not just advising but enforce it on you with confidence.
I, on behalf of all cancer patients, want to inform you that this is so outdated it should not be trending anymore, and we are tired of it.
With regret I must break it to you that it does not help us in any way whatsoever, we trust our doctor. We must only abide by their instructions. And honestly guys, ladies, friends, strangers, humans It is annoying. It is a hard time.
Now is the time to stop this behavior.
I get that, it is embedded in our Indian genes the inability to stop ourselves from providing unwanted bits of advice the moment we discover a person in distress even though, we know little to nothing about the topic we are talking about ourselves.
I met people who did not even know why platelets and blood donations were required for my treatment but did not hesitate to tell me that I must eat a lot while going through chemo.
Instead:
- Listen more and speak adequately or just as minimally as possible.
- Share something interesting and fun if their mood allows.
2. Never Talk about a Y acquaintance who had cancer to a Cancer Patient.
‘Which cancer did you say he had? Throat cancer? Umm but do you know leukemia and throat cancer are different? One is an organ cancer the latter is a systemic cancer.’
There are different types of blood cancers with subcategories and all are quite distinct.
Hence the treatment varies and so understandably the side effects of cancer differ from body to body since all bodies react to treatment differently even though they have the same cancer.
It also differs from gender to gender.
More importantly, the experience one has on their cancer journey is unique to that individual.
My side effects were far worse and prolonged than patients who got treated alongside me. Talking about a heard or known case does not mean a cancer patient will relate to it. It neither helps nor motivates.
Let me just add again.
Do not, I repeat do not speak about your aunt Y’s nephew’s son’s cancer story with an unhappy ending nor a story where the person is living a happy and healthy life for years after their treatment.
It adds up to all the negatives pre-existing in our minds and multiplies the emotional turmoil that we are already feeling because of the ongoing treatment.
Instead:
DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. Simple.
3. Never tell a Cancer Patient ‘You will get better soon, do not worry.’
Never tell a cancer patient that they will get better soon and not to worry, while trying to please and motivate them.
How and with what experience must you be so sure?
Do not be gullible. Be realistic.
Cancer is a disease where every day is a battle alongside uncertainty.
The communication between a doctor and their patient is well maintained and they are made aware of all the risks and the possibilities about their ailment.
Giving such patients false hope bears no fruits instead it could make them feel frustrated while you could come out as being insensitive.
Instead, say:
- ‘HOPE you feel a little better today than yesterday.’
- ‘Can I be of any help to you? Do you need something?’
- ‘You are always in my prayers.’
- ‘Stay strong. Fight it!’ (If you want to encourage)
4. This too shall pass/ Time will heal all scars
It seems like you are making light of a serious situation and someone’s life is a joke to you. It is not like they caught a fever, got injured, or got bad grades where we know for sure that with time there is a scope for improvement.
But, in this scenario, something life-threatening and entirely unexpected has occurred and they were unprepared which
can be quite scary.
Cancer patients and their families are in a constant state of anticipation since the beginning everything is uncertain and that worried anticipation stays even after the treatment ends.
There are other ways to encourage.
Instead:
- Tell them you are by their side and that you will get through this together.
- Tell them you are here if they need a shoulder to cry or an ear to listen to them (it is not cheeky!).
The key is to have a Realistic approach.
5. Your cancer is a good cancer
Do not say that your cancer is a good cancer because it is easily curable. You must be insane to tell a cancer patient that.
Comparing cancers and the amount of damage they do is so insensitive. You make them feel that their pain and suffering is so little to be deemed of.
Cancer is Cancer. Period.
All cancers are sufferable no matter their degree of damage or how much treatable one is.
You have no right to tell someone that their pain is insignificant.
Instead:
- Tell them you are sorry to hear about their condition.
- Be a good listener- If they are willing to share their pain and fears with you, patiently listen.
- Avoid talking about yourself, your cousin, or your aunt’s cancer Please!
6. Saying Nothing.
This is the most nerve-racking experience I have had when someone so eager to meet me on the phone would just sit in front of me saying NOTHING.
Yes, do not say Nothing!
Do not just sit there and stare or avoid making eye contact. People do this out of some weird sense of guilt or shame I am not yet sure what they are feeling but avoid staying silent when you meet a cancer patient.
Some people just turn silent the moment they come across my bald head and I am just dumbfounded as to what to say or do, it is quite awkward you guys. You make me feel uneasy and annoyed.
Instead:
- RELAX! Remain at ease. No need to pretend but stay calm. Let me just say this to you- Stop feeling guilty! Look them in the eyes and smile when you talk to them. You are not at a funeral!
- Let them decide what they want to talk about. If they do not want to discuss their cancer then try talking about something else, tell a fun story or an incident.
- Admire their courage, appreciate their willpower but do not keep calling them strong.
- Show genuine interest- If they happen to open u about their treatment then make sure to listen and be curious.
7. Do you know what is going on in my life?
No, I do not know and I do not wish to know. You may stop talking about yourself.
Talking about oneself or your problems to a person when they are in the deepest pit of the pits is not cool.
Why would they be interested in your life?
We are dealing with a life-threatening situation and you want to talk about how your back is been aching because of the late hours at work or you have heartache because you broke up?
Never complain about your life to a person trying to survive, please.
Instead:
- Say ‘If anything is troubling you feel free to tell me.’
- Avoid sharing about your endeavours.
- Instead, tell something interesting (their interests). Talk about things they like.
- Be mentally present with the patient and tend to their needs.
8. You will become more empathetic
Okay, so this sounds like ‘one must go through a life-or-death situation to become empathetic.’ Does it not?
In all honesty, my treatment left me feeling bitter if anything at all. Any human going through a rough phase can never feel empathetic or spare an ounce of sympathy for another.
The only human for whom empathy and sympathy resonated was myself. In my own eyes, I was the most troubled soul, with the rest of the world seemingly at ease in comparison.
I swear I could feel nothing for the 5-year-old kid who was going through the same treatment alongside me back at the BMT (naturally felt we all were in this hell together).
I would lay still because of the intense gnawing pain in my stomach without a morsel for the past two weeks, tubes stuck to my neck liquid wheezing inside them.
Through the glass wall my eyes would follow that child in the adjacent room riding a toy bike, eating warm food, laughing watching videos at night he would get a slight fever now, and then in the morning, the nurse would tell my mom and me how sorry she feels for the child but still…
I could never sympathize with him. In my eyes, he was doing far better than me.
Never tell a cancer Patient to be sympathetic because they went through a lot.
Instead:
- I cannot even imagine what you might be going through. Educate me. Help me understand so I might know a little.
- “Prayers work magic; I will pray for your recovery.” Some kind souls sent me prashad (sweet offerings) from their temple visits, expressing their prayers for me.
- I hope you emerge stronger and more optimistic.
- You can fight it champ! Show them cancer cells what you are made of.
On a Final Note
The trick to hacking yourself into having a light-hearted conversation with a cancer patient is to be a patient listener.
Try to understand if he or she is feeling comfortable meeting you first and foremost. Do not go unannounced.
First, take permission whether it is safe for them to meet because cancers like mine (Leukemia) where the patient’s immunity is low must take precautions and it is advised to completely avoid any sort of interactions.
Be genuine with your words and feelings. And be mindful while conversing keeping in mind these above things to never say to a Cancer Patient.
Leaving you on this note that some cancer patients might not feel like talking at all and some might avoid meeting people completely, it’s not just you that is understandable so accept it with a grain of salt and wish them luck.
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